Slutty Financial Disclosure

Modest is hottest, whether it’s slut-shaming women, or covering up your financial information. Transparency = sleazy. Period. Luckily, the church knows how to keep its financial data secret sacred. Unlike those other slutty churches that just let their finances hang out in broad daylight for the whole world to see.

Finances are sacred, they need to be covered-the-hell-up!

Fiscal-porn is a major problem in these latter-days. Transparency has become the way of the world -it’s all the rage! Well, not for the lord’s one and only true church, dammit! We cover that shit up, just as it should be.

When asked about the church’s lack of financial transparency, Profit Gordon B tells us how this works:

“Well, we simply think that information belongs to those who made the contribution, and not to the world. That’s the only thing. Yes.”

He forgot to explain that members don’t actually get to see the financials, but that’s obviously because we’re protecting them from fiscal-porn. We don’t need folks peaking at the churches private bits! For shame!

Other “churches” (and non-prophet organizations) flaunt their data for the whole world to see. It’s disgusting! Think of the ramifications of such a horrible practice!

The church has practiced financial modesty since the restoration. Even when the church started printing its own money, Brother Joe did his best to keep the financials modest and secret sacred.

The church does amazing humanitarian work. About $40 million per year! Even more amazing, is the ratio of that money spent compared to the number of church members. Members contribute 10% of their income to the church, and only about $2.67 per member goes to humanitarian aid each year! ($40 million / 15 million members). That’s less than a shitty happy meal!

That’s an amazingly small amount of money, which is incredible as a tithe paying member! That means that my dues can go toward the important things, like building fancy-ass temples instead of those silly poor people.

Also, god knows where that money really needs to go. The lord might fancy a shopping mall, or some real estate investments, or even some private hunting grounds. Whatever it is, those finances need to keep their skirt length appropriate: below the knee. [Insert hilarious “Nehor” / “knee-whore” pun] 🙂

So, the next time you hear some whore talk about the so-called “virtue” of financial transparency, tell them to pull their fiscal pants up. The lord’s TRUE church is financially modest!